Divorce brings up a wide range of emotions. Disappointment with your partner, with yourself and with the inability of the relationship to succeed is often palpable. Even if we feel relief at the same time, the sadness and anger of abandonment and lost opportunities are certainly present in all divorces. After all, we assume at the beginning of a relationship that it will work. We believe the relationship will endure through the waves and storms of life.

Give yourself time

After a break-up, we can be in a hurry to move on with our lives. We may be afraid of being abandoned and alone. We may not have the energy or even the will to give more time to work through a broken relationship. We want to leave all the pain, the sadness behind and start a new phase of our lives with as much positive energy as possible. But is this possible? Is it even realistic to think that we could start a new life without dealing with the break-up, other than turning the internal knob from Off to On? The more we have invested in a failed relationship, the deeper the feelings of separation can be. So could the question in the title be misplaced? What if dealing with a breakup doesn’t mean sacrificing time for my ex? Because in going through a divorce, I am first and foremost giving myself time to heal. Understanding the story of a failed relationship helps me to work through the emotions that the breakup has stirred up. By taking the courage to stop and get to know my own needs and desires, step by step I create a more solid foundation for a new beginning. In other words, during the crisis, I can get to know myself in a whole new way and understand my own way of acting in different relationships. Giving myself time to reflect is certainly rewarding.

Support from a divorce recovery group to help you deal with your divorce

Are you going through a divorce or have you already been divorced? Do you want to deal with the emotions of divorce? Looking for a place to talk about your divorce? Fortunately, we don’t have to deal with divorce alone. A divorce group offers a safe space to discuss and share ideas with others in the same situation. You can find information about the divorce recovery groups, what they cover and when new support groups start on the Eosita website.

Artikkeli Why should I give any thoughts to my ex? julkaistiin ensimmäisen kerran Eosita.

Relationships are individual. They are coloured by the dynamics between two individuals. These dynamics are shaped by the personalities and needs of the individuals. In a polarised example, one person can be fun and open with one person, while another one can make the very same person quiet and reserved. The personalities of individuals can be caricatured into two categories: the controlling personality and the trusting personality. There are of course many variations in between, but here I will deliberately highlight these two extremes. The controlling personality wants to be in control and be warned about possible changes in advance. Surprising developments undermine his sense of security and he cannot tolerate uncertainty. He has learned in his life, perhaps even as a child, that trust without reservation is not good for him. The experience of a confident person is quite different. His trust has been met with confirmation time and time again. The trusting person believes in goodness and fairness.

Jealousy is mainly considered a normal emotion in the early stages of a relationship, when we do not necessarily have a clear picture of our partner’s limits. We do not know whether our boundaries meet or are they perhaps far apart. We do not yet know whether we can trust this partner. On this basis, it is certainly easy to understand that jealousy stems from a sense of insecurity. It is based on the basic question: will you choose me? Am I the most important person to you? Or at least important enough?

Jealousy can be driven by fear of loss and rejection, uncertainty about your own status or the limits of others, your own sense of inadequacy or insecurity, and a low, battered self-esteem. Past experiences and misunderstandings can also cause jealousy.

While living in a relationship, we change and develop as individuals and, as a result, the dynamics of our relationship change and develop. Therefore, it is also possible that feelings of jealousy may arise later in the relationship. This is particularly the case when individuals develop at different times. This jealousy, which is triggered by the differences in development, is a phenomenon that is specific to that stage and does not usually remain in the relationship for a longer period of time.

If the internal sense of security within the relationship cannot be stabilised along the way, jealousy can become a permanent feature of the relationship dynamics. In the worst case, this can turn the relationship into a toxic state, gnawing away at both individuals.

An honest and open discussion helps to understand both your own and your partner’s feelings. It is important that both parties are heard and understood. As people tend to find it difficult to talk about feelings of jealousy, discussions in this sensitive area often turn into blame and therefore do not progress constructively. In such a situation, it is worth seeking help from couples counselling or therapy.

Here again, the truth depends on your own experiences. Jealousy can be a gnawing emotion in a relationship, but also, to an appropriate extent, a relationship-enhancing sign of genuine caring.

Artikkeli Jealousy – a sign of interest or the ruin of a relationship? julkaistiin ensimmäisen kerran Eosita.